Tips for when you have a 2 year old...

Here are the rules for having a 2 year old:

1. If you hear something crack, pop, crunch, shatter, slam, fall, bang, or crackle, and you hear laughing or screaming immediately after, you better run. If no laughter or screaming is heard, go see what happened, but no need to break a sweat.

2. If you don't hear your 2 year old make a sound for 2 or 3 minutes, go see what he or she is up to. It probably isn't good.

3. At 2, potty training is usually starting, and your 2 year old will probably know how to take his or her diaper off by now. Do not let your 2 year old run around naked, or you will have messes to clean up. Have plenty of duct tape handy to tape his or her diaper on, or you will have to wash bedding, carpets, and/ or furniture.

4. If you have a pet, especially a small pet, do not leave them in the same room together unattended. The 2 year old will always win.

5. Be prepared to serve 4 different foods at each meal time. What your 2 year old devoured yesterday, he or she will completely hate today... except gummy fruit snacks. Your 2 year old will be willing to eat those at any hour on any given day.

6. If you do not want your 2 year old to swear, don't swear in front of them, don't let them hear swearing in movies, on TV, or from other people. If you do not censor what your 2 year old hears, you will have a 2 year old cussing like a sailor.

6. a) If your 2 year old DOES pick up a swear word, do not give him or her any attention. Yelling, laughing, smiling, giggling, scolding, or talking about why this is wrong will only result in the child swearing more and laughing at you.

7. 2 year olds are smart enough to know when you are trying to bribe them. Do not try this method unless you are prepared to be humiliated by a person no taller than your thighs.

8. Keep any and all writing utensils out of the 2 year old's reach. This includes pens, pencils, markers, crayons, chalk, and paint.

9. Do not allow your 2 year old to consume anything with sugar after 6:00 pm if you want then in bed before midnight.

10. Bath time to a 2 year old is NOT a time to relax before bed. Instead it is a free for all that includes mass quantities of water.

10. a) 2 year olds are very very slippery when covered with soap and water. Washing then rinsing one body part at a time is highly recommended.

10. b) When bathing a 2 year old, you will become very wet. If you wear glasses, be sure to have a clean, dry cloth handy to wipe said glasses if you would like to see during bath time.

11. If you allow your child to watch television (who in their right mind doesn't use the TV for a babysitter once in a while?), be prepared to have children's television show theme songs stuck in your head for days.

11. a) If your 2 year old grows attached to a particular movie, be prepared to watch it 4 to 7 times a day.

12. 2 year olds break things. You will never have nice things again.

13. 2 year olds have tantrums. The best solution is to ignore them and walk away. They won't be able to understand reason, nor will they hear you talking over their screams and kicks.

These methods have been used by myself. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. 2 year olds are little people. Mean, sneaky little people, and they will eat your sanity and your soul. Good luck, and God speed.